Who Am I and Who I Am

I've entered into new territory with my blog - I received my first "spam" comment, so I have enabled the word verification command. I apologize to all commenters for the added effort when commenting - think of it as a game that you will win every time! I thought about not enabling the word verification and potentially receiving lots more comments, but the reality is number of comments are not nearly as important as the people leaving the comments - (quality supercedes quanity.) My sister-in-law JoEllen warned me this day would come - and here it is.

At the end of my "Toilet Paper Shortage" post a few days ago, I foreshadowed this post topic. I had mentioned at the end of the post that though I do not view myself as a lazy person, the situations I had posted about proved otherwise. This statement got me thinking about how I view myself and how that compared to how other people view me. I would like to say that how other people view me is of no concern to me - however, I have at times been caught in the insecurity trap of worrying about how I am perceived by other people. For example, after being in a social situation (such as tonight - a ladies only campfire get-together at Kelley's which had two of my favorite things - camping food and fellowship) I find myself replaying conversations in my mind, what I said, what other people said in response, did I say anything that seemed funny at the time but inappropriate later? I was talking to my cousin Jaena tonight about this post topic, and we observed that men don't seem to brood over these types of questions. I can't ever remember Jason, after a social gathering, saying later at home, " I hope the guys liked me tonight. Don and Jim seemed a little quiet with me when we were watching the game."

There are certain personality characteristics that can either a positive or negative spin to them. I've even seen lists where a negative characteristic is reworded to have a positive connotation. For example, a bossy person is instead a leader. A stingy person turns into a good steward with money. People have said my three year old's stubborness and strong will is good - she will stand her ground when she is older and tempted by peer pressure. The problem is, how do we know which connotation is being applied to us by other people? I don't think many people set out to be overbearing, obnoxious, judgmental, or mean-spirited. Yet there are some people who in a social situation come across that way to me (noone reading this blog need worry - none of you are coming to mind :). My insecurity is not in how I view myself, but am I being viewed in a negative context by other people? I think there is a definite difference between a low self esteem and insecurity. Low self-esteem is when you are not happy with you, insecurity is when you are afraid other people aren't happy with you (these definitions are from the Wuertley dictionary - probably a bit of a generalization.)

Have you ever had a time when what you really meant to say or the outcome you meant to occur by your action came out totally wrong, and then you felt misunderstood and your character or intentions unfairly judged?

I feel myself getting worked up when this happens with my children. Elizabeth is a self-confident, assertive kid, and she often says exactly what she is thinking, and she has no problem expressing her desires. I've described her personality accurately, but with a positive spin. I could just as easily say Elizabeth is a cocky, self-centered, bossy kid who has no tact. Anna is a sweet, loving, mischevious, humorous kid, but I could instead say she is manipulative with her affection, ornery, and silly. I love Elizabeth and Anna more than words can say, and I wouldn't change a thing about either one of them, even though at times I would like to tweak their words and actions a little. But when they say or do something less than desirable in public, I worry about how that will influence the opinions of both my peers and theirs regarding their personality and character.

I think that is why it is so important for people to be a part of a community - not just family, but friends who know each other's true heart and desires for themselves and their family. My family is very blessed to be a part of such a community with members of our Sunday School Class, and I value our relationships with these families. I especially enjoy the nights like tonight - a chance to fellowship with other women, to connect, chat, share, LAUGH! For any members of our class who are reading this post, know how much you are a valuable part of our life, and how much we enjoy the relationships that have been formed over the last several years.

TRIATHLON TRAINING UPDATE - Today's plan had me biking for 45 minutes. Hint to first time triathlon trainees on the first bike day - do not take your two children who combined weigh 100 pounds in a bike trailer behind you. Not only is the added weight a killer, after about 35 minutes in such close quarters on a 90 degree day, they have had enough. Also, do not choose the Riverwalk as your first biking trail. The Riverwalk and the route to the Riverwalk from my house is 49% steep uphill, 49% steep downhill, and 2% flat. After 45 minutes, I went a whopping 4.6 miles (if you translate that into minutes it would take me for 16 miles, which is what we will do in the triathlon, that would be over 2 hours on the bike.) I am anxious to see how my mileage will change once I ride solo.